Precious Metal

Oh, the struggles of being a parent. We want so much to be good parents for our kids, and we want to do everything within our power to make them into the best people that they can be.

Well, therein lies the problem; what is actually within our power?

Oh, I've been there. I thought that I would be one of those great parents who would make my children into something special. It wasn't for many years that I realized how foolish I was being. And how unfair.

Why foolish? Because there are so many things that determine what a child will become, most notably the child itself, and to think we alone control their future is very presumptuous. Why unfair? Because the sacrifices we make for our children, while admirable, cause us to inadvertently take credit for what they do on their own. Of course the role of a parent is important, but we do not make our children into anything. If we're religious we believe God has the major role in that area. If we're not, than largely it is the children themselves that determine what they will become. So then, what is the role of a parent?

Years ago I worked with a beautiful Persian woman who taught me a lesson she learned from her grandfather. He equated children to precious metals. We, as parents, all want our children to be the best metal. We want them to be gold (it would probably be platinum today). The foolish parent thinks our job is just that; to make our children into the best precious metal possible. However, we are not able to make children, or precious metals for that matter. That is not our job. For whatever reason, fair or unfair, our children are born into this world with certain characteristics, as a specific "metal" of sorts. What the old grandfather taught my friend, who then taught to me, is that our job as a parent is not to make our children into a different kind of metal, it is to take them, as they are, and to polish them so that they shine their brightest.

That resonated very well with me, and oddly took away much of the selfishness I felt (albiet unknowingly) as a parent. Why can't my daughter do something as good as a neighbor girl? Why can't my son ride a bike as soon as the other boys? (For the record, my son was the first one his age to ride a bike. Why? I was a better father, of course.). The point is, I conciously knew that I could not make my children into something they weren't, but subconciously it bothered me that I somehow was not as good as other fathers. Then I finally realize that, while I could make all the difference in the world to my children, I just couldn't make them into what they weren't. In truth, I never wanted them to be any different. It wasn't their success I had been worried about, it was my own. When I was able to release that selfhish baggage, I was free to polish my children (figuratively of course) until they absolutely glowed.

That simple lesson, "A parent's job is not to make your children into a better metal, it is to polish them so that they shine their brightest", had an amazing impact on how I viewed parenthood, and my children for that matter. I think some of the parents involved with youth sports could learn quite a lot from this simple lesson.